


Holtzbert Songfics

by TheRCassian



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Cute gays, Established Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann, F/F, Fluff, Holtzbert - Freeform, Songfic, Useless Gays, Useless Lesbians, kevin is irrelevant, oneshots, patty and abby arent really relevant either
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29172663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRCassian/pseuds/TheRCassian
Summary: Where words fail, music speaksorHoltzbert oneshots inspired by songs
Relationships: Erin Gilbert & Jillian Holtzmann, Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just an intro to this format.

Hello!

I decided to do this because my friend asked me to write her a Holtzbert oneshot, and I was looking for the right song to inspire it, and my Spotify playlist was too tempting to just do one. Here's just some info on how this is gonna work:

-So every chapter is inspired by a different song  
-These don't really happen in any sort of order unless specified  
-Any warning that applies to that chapter will be in the notes at the start of the chapter, so no need to worry! I gotchu

You can request prompts, songs, or both in the comments or you can ask on my Tumblr (https://therenlynn.tumblr.com/) and I'll probably do them, so just tell me!

Alright. Dats it. Enjoy!


	2. You Are The Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtz slow dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "You Are The Reason" by Calum Scott.

_ There goes my heart beating _

_ 'Cause you are the reason _

_ I'm losing my sleep _

_ Please come back now _

The radio plays uncharacteristically quietly in the lab. Erin sits at her desk paying little attention to the ever playing music coming from Holtz’s boombox. When Holtz recognizes the song she sets down the new invention she’s working on. 

_ There goes my mind racing _

_ And you are the reason _

_ That I'm still breathing _

_ I'm hopeless now _

The blonde wanders over to her girlfriend’s desk and takes her hand pulling her up.

“What are you doing?” Erin looks at her getting up from her seat.

“This song makes me think of you.” Holtzmann smiles pulling Erin in closer dancing with her. The brunette had never been one for dancing, but the moment just felt too perfect. Like it was something out of a movie that she’d seen too many times.

_ I'd climb every mountain _

_ And swim every ocean _

_ Just to be with you _

_ And fix what I've broken _

_ Oh, 'cause I need you to see _

_ That you are the reason _

Now they were just slow dancing around the small room, not caring about how elegant it looked (not that Holtz usually did). The music may as well have been the only sound in the world. The loud sounds of New York ceased to exist. It was just the two of them. Nothing else mattered.

_ There goes my hands shaking _

_ And you are the reason _

_ My heart keeps bleeding _

_ I need you now _

Holtz was never good with words to express her feelings. Actually very far from what anyone would describe as ‘good”. The right words just never came easily. She knew hundreds of them, but no possible combination of them could express what Erin made her feel. She hoped that maybe the moment they were sharing communicated to Erin what she felt. At least a little bit. Sometimes feelings are too big for words.

_ And if I could turn back the clock _

_ I'd make sure the light defeated the dark _

_ I'd spend every hour, of every day _

_ Keeping you safe _

It was at that moment that Holtzmann realized that she would do anything to keep Erin safe. She just wanted to protect her. She made her a self-defense device to keep on her keys, she worried about her when she was 5 minutes late from when she said she’d be somewhere, she even started developing safety equipment for busts. Something that she would never even thought twice about before meeting Erin.

It was at that moment that Erin realized that she would do anything to keep Holtzmann safe. She realized that deep down she didn’t just become a Ghostbuster for the research. Sure, it was important work, but in truth, she just wanted to be with Holtzmann as much as she could. She wanted to be sure she never got hurt being recklessly impulsive as she was known to be. 

It was at that moment that they both realized that they kept each other off of the edges that they had become so accustomed to. Edges that they didn’t realize they were on before they were torn away from them. They learned safety from each other.

_ And I'd climb every mountain _

_ And swim every ocean _

_ Just to be with you _

_ And fix what I've broken _

_ Oh, 'cause I need you to see _

_ That you are the reason _

Erin thought about the past few months of her life and what a whirlwind they were. She had made mistake after mistake and for some reason Holtz still wanted her. She wasn’t sure why, but she just knew she was thankful that she did. 

_ I don't wanna hide no more _

_ I don't wanna cry no more _

_ Come back I need you to hold me _

_ Be a little closer now _

_ Just a little closer now _

_ Come a little closer _

_ I need you to hold me tonight _

Patty heard an unnatural silence from upstairs. Not Holtz making a racket. Not Erin scolding Holtz for making a racket. She realized she might need to investigate. She made her way upstairs and stopped in the doorway when she saw what was happening. She sat in silence watching them.

_ About time  _ she thought to herself smiling, watching her friends. She had never seen them happier.

She felt a presence next to her. She turned to see Abby also leaning in from the doorway to look at them.

“What are they doing?” She whispered a little too loudly, but Erin and Holtzmann were too focused on each other to hear.

“Shhh,” Patty shushed and then smiled “called it.”

“They are perfect for each other, aren’t they?”

“I would say so.”

They watched for another few seconds and went back downstairs not wanting their friends to know that they’d seen them.

_ I'd climb every mountain _

_ And swim every ocean _

_ Just to be with you _

_ And fix what I've broken _

_ 'Cause I need you to see _

_ That you are the reason _

It then dawned on both of them. 

They were both undeniably in love with each other.

Not that either would have denied it had someone said it. But neither had confronted the thought so directly. And if they were being honest: it was so much less terrifying than they ever imagined. At that very moment, they just wanted to stay forever.

They were each other’s reason. Plain and simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


	3. She

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She means everything to Holtz. . .and Holtz wished she didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "She" by dodie.

_ Am I allowed to look at her like that? _

_ Could it be wrong _

_ When she's just so nice to look at? _

_ You aren’t in love with her. _ Holtzmann thought to herself for the thousandth time that day. She thought about how wrong it would be if she was.  _ She’s just Erin. They aren’t real feelings.  _ She tried to convince herself, but she knew that it wasn’t true.

Holtzmann looked at Erin reading across the room. She looked beautiful as always. Angelic even. She could sit and stare at her for hours and never get tired of it. 

_ And she smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

_ Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture _

_ And she... _

_ Means everything to me _

Holtz took in everything she could of Erin. She remembered exactly how she smelled when she hugged her after a bust. She remembered how it felt when Erin grabbed her hand to pull her along to show her something. She took in Erin’s mannerisms. She tried to remember every interaction they had. She hung on every word she said. She thought about her constantly.

_ I'd never tell _

_ No, I'd never say a word _

_ And oh, it aches _

_ But it feels oddly good to hurt _

Erin went on a date. Holtz didn’t know anything about him. She didn’t ask. She didn’t want to know. She went out with him again. And again. And again. Holtz left the room or tuned out when she talked about him. She didn’t want to hear about how happy she was with someone who wasn’t her. 

When they broke up, Holtzmann couldn’t help feeling like a bad person when she felt happy. 

Loving Erin was one of the most painful things in the world. But she loved it anyway. The pain felt worth it and she didn’t know quite why.

_ And I'll be okay _

_ Admiring from afar _

_ 'Cause even when she's next to me _

_ We could not be more far apart _

They sat next to each other when they had dinner at the firehouse. Holtz kept telling jokes that didn’t land and making comments that drowned in the tsunami that was every conversation the group had. She stopped talking as much. 

Erin didn’t even notice.

The blonde’s heart broke more every time.

_ And she tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall _

_ But to her _

_ I taste of nothing at all _

She stopped trying to get Erin’s attention. She felt the same, but she didn’t want to love her anymore. She felt everything for Erin. Erin didn’t seem to feel anything at all for Holtzmann.

_ Yes, she means everything to me _

_ She means everything to me _

She was still her universe. She meant  _ everything _ to her. And Holtz wished that the person who meant everything in the world to her felt the same.

But you can’t change how people feel.

So Holtz didn’t say anything. Anything at all.


	4. She

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She means everything to Erin. . .and Erin wished she didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "She" by dodie.
> 
> Basically the same as the other one, but I switched the girls.

_ Am I allowed to look at her like that? _

_ Could it be wrong _

_ When she's just so nice to look at? _

Holtzmann was gorgeous. Anyone could see that. Long blonde curly hair, fair skin, pale blue eyes, and one of the most perfect smiles she’d ever seen. She was enthralling. Once she managed to take your gaze, she wouldn't give it back. Erin found herself staring at her whenever she got the chance. 

Was it wrong? 

Maybe.

No. She convinced herself that it was only because she was gorgeous. That was all.

_ And she smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

_ Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture _

_ And she... _

_ Means everything to me _

The scent of oil and Holtz’s shampoo filled the air around the lab as she ran back and forth grabbing various tools and materials. Erin breathed in the smell, a sense of calm washing over her. The blonde had the strange ability to calm people and stress people out all at the same time.

Erin admired the polaroids Holtz had taped to the fridge. She couldn't keep her eyes off of her favorite one. The one of the two of them hugging. Holtz had her arms wrapped around Erin’s neck, the biggest smile on her face. And Erin hugging her back with an equally joyful look in her eyes. They had just gotten off of a bust and were still in their uniforms when they decided to hang out on the roof. Patty had taken the picture. The back was black on account that it was night, and the only light was from the camera’s flash. It looked like they were the only people in the world.

Erin knew Holtz like the polaroids more than the digital photos because of her love of anything retro. But once she told Erin she liked them because it was like you could hold the moment in your hands. Erin didn't forget that, but then again, Erin didn’t forget almost anything the engineer said.

_ I'd never tell _

_ No, I'd never say a word _

_ And oh, it aches _

_ But it feels oddly good to hurt _

“You do know that she isn’t going to disappear if you stop staring at her, right?” Abby asked sarcastically, pulling Erin out of her thoughts.

“Hmm?” She asked, pretending she hadn’t heard what she said. 

“You’re doing it again.”

“No I’m not.” Erin defended.

“Yes. You are.” She was. They both knew the brunette was lying.

Erin’s relationship to Holtzmann was confusing. She wasn’t entirely sure where she fit in the blonde’s world, and she’d never ask. 

But her relationship to her feelings was even more confusing. She liked the feeling of loving someone, but it hurts not to be loved the same way.

_ And she tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall _

_ But to her _

_ I taste of nothing at all _

_ Holtz just reminds you of happy memories. That’s the only reason you like her. Nothing else.  _ Erin tried to tell herself. But she knew it was a lie.

She went on a few dates to try to distract herself. It didn’t work. She didn't really like him anyway. He was nice, but it’s hard to like someone when you’re hung up on someone else.

Abby didn't say anything when anyone else was around, but before Erin’s third date with the man she pulled her aside.

“I'm not going to stop you, but you do know what you’re doing. Right?”

Erin just nodded.

_ Yes, she means everything to me _

_ She means everything to me _

But Erin knew the truth. Abby knew the truth. Patty probably knew the truth. 

Holtz didn’t.

Erin didn't think she ever wanted her to. 

She loved Holtzmann.

And Holtzmann didn't love her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking requests! :)


	5. driver's license

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtzmann broke up. Holtz misses Erin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "driver's license" by Olivia Rodrigo.

_ Today I drove through the suburbs _

_ Crying 'cause you weren't around _

Holtzmann was always the last to go home every night. She usually stayed for at least a few hours after everyone left. She used to stay until maybe 10 or 11 every night, so engrossed in her work that she couldn't put it down. Some nights Erin would stay and keep her company and they’d go back to Holtz’s place together. Some nights Erin would go home and Holtz would meet up with her later. Now Holtz stays until 2 or 3 in the morning. Not necessarily so into her work that she couldn't stop. It was more that she didn’t like being home knowing Erin wouldn’t be coming too. Some nights she didn’t even go home at all. She’d just crash somewhere in the firehouse.

The firehouse wasn’t a lot better than home because Erin did still work there, but the day after they broke up, Erin got to the station early and moved her stuff to a different floor. When Holtz got there and saw it gone, she just went back home. Claimed she had a headache. Which technically wasn't a lie. A few days later she rearranged what she could. Now she mostly stayed in her lab and didn’t talk to anyone. She really only saw the others when there was a call or if one of them came upstairs, but her personality was almost muted now. The color that used to be Holtzmann’s persona had started to grey. 

Around 2 AM, Holtz got in the car and drove past Erin’s apartment. She did this more often than she liked to admit. She wasn’t even sure why she did it. She would just go out, drive around and cry. Wishing things were what they used to be. 

_ And you're probably with that blonde guy _

_ Who always made me doubt _

_ He’s so much older than me _

_ He’s everything I'm insecure about _

Within a couple of weeks after the relationship ended, Erin got a boyfriend. His name was Liam. He was tall and had sandy blonde hair and brown eyes. Holtzmann always worried about being a few years younger than Erin, and Erin had always told her not to worry about it. She always told her it didn't make a difference. But Liam was a few years older than Erin. She only met him briefly a few times, but she didn’t ever say anything more than hello. And it made her cry every time. He was put together, relaxed, easy to make conversation with, and even though Holtz didn’t like men, she knew that he was undeniably good looking. She understood why Erin fell for him so fast. He was everything she worried about not being for her. Everything Erin assured her that she didn’t mind her not being because she loved her as is. Now all Holtz can think about is what a lie that was.

_ Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs _

_ 'Cause how could I ever love someone else? _

Holtz had been trying to keep a strong front up. Trying harder than she ever had before. She had started leaving the lab as little as humanly possible because it took everything in her to not be physically sick when she saw Erin. She stopped talking to all of them almost completely. When they ate a meal the four of them (which was becoming something of a rarity) Holtzmann just stared at her food until Abby or Patty made her eat it. She didn’t add to the conversations. And the second the meal was over she would take off again.

Erin noticed. She didn’t say anything though.

_ And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one _

_ And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone _

“I know it may not feel like it now, but you’ll find another. I know you will.” Patty tried to reason with her one night. 

“Patty,” Holtz whispered “I want to. But I don’t think that can happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because no one’s ever gonna love me.” Holtz said barely audible. 

“Baby, no.” Is all Holtzmann heard before she started sobbing hysterically, tuning out the world around her. All she remembers from happening outside of her head was Patty holding her while she cried. 

“Why did she move on so fast?” She asked desperately “Why is she fine? Was I just something to keep her occupied for a little bit before she found someone she actually loved?”

Whatever Patty said next, Holtzmann didn’t hear. 

_ Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me _

_ 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street _

A few months ago they sat on the roof late one night. Holtz messing around on the guitar. Erin with her notebook in her lap scribbling something.

“What are you writing?” Holtzmann asked intently.

“A song for you.” Erin responded without looking up.

“Oh?” 

“Yeah. I think you’ll like it too.” She smiled.

“I can’t wait to hear it.” 

A few minutes later, Erin had come up with:

_ I hope you know you’re perfect and I’ve never felt this way for no one _

_ And I just can’t imagine how I could be okay before you came along _

_ So I wrote a song so you know what you mean to me _

_ I love you forever and I hope you love me. _

Holtzmann still has the sheet from her notebook with the lyrics written on it.

_ And all my friends are tired _

_ Of hearing how much I miss you, but _

_ I kinda feel sorry for them _

_ 'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do _

“Holtzy, what do you wanna order for dinner?” Abby asked one evening. 

“I’m not hungry.” Holtzmann answered. She wasn’t honestly sure if she was lying or not. No, she wasn’t starving but it was mostly because she didn’t think she had the strength to have a meal with Erin.

“It’s just us three for dinner.” Abby says knowingly “So what do you want?”

Holtzmann sighs, the anxiety not subsiding, but she feels like she can breathe again. “Let’s just get pizza or something.”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll order in like an hour or two?” She suggests and Holtzmann just nods. “You doing okay?” 

Holtzmann plasters on her signature grin, Abby sees right through it, but doesn’t say anything. “Yep! I’m great.”

Later that night Abby, Patty, and Holtz are sitting in the kitchen of the fire station eating dinner. They were laughing and talking and Holtz even started to open back up again. Patty and Abby felt happier knowing that she was starting to talk again. They missed her banter and witty remarks.

And then Erin came back.

And Holtz’s heart dropped. . .and she shut down again.

Erin wandered into the kitchen and Abby and Patty greeted her and asked her if she wanted any pizza. And then she slid into the chair next to Patty.

“So how was your date?” Patty questioned nonchalantly and then immediately regretted it.

Erin hesitates for half a second and then answers: “It was really good! We went to go see a play and then went out for coffee after.”

She says more but Holtz doesn’t hear her. She just runs to the bathroom and gets there just in time. When she’s done she slips out and goes home. She messages Abby and Patty just so they know she went home. 

_ Today I drove through the suburbs _

_ And pictured I was driving home to you _

She doesn’t go home. She just drives. She drives remembering what it was like to have Erin in the car with her. 

_ And I know we weren't perfect _

_ But I've never felt this way for no one, oh _

_ And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone _

“Okay. Feel better.” Abbys said sympathetically before putting her phone down. 

“Who was that?” Erin asked, walking in and setting her stuff on her desk.

“Holtzmann.” 

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah. She just said she doesn’t feel good so she’s staying home.” This was immensely off-putting as Holtzmann would sooner die than call in sick. 

“Oh. Okay.” Erin hesitates for a moment then speaks again “How is she?”

“Sick right now,” Abby answered dryly, not really wanting to tell Erin about how she left Holtzmann in pieces. Even though she probably already knew. 

“No. I mean like how  _ is  _ she? I haven’t talked to her in weeks.”

“She’s fine.” Abby says coolly. 

“She looks thin. Is she eating?”

“I don’t know, Erin.” Abby says with an exasperated sigh. Her tone switches to less annoyed and more worried. “Last night was like the first time I’ve seen her eat a meal in forever and I don’t even think she kept it down.”

“Oh.” is all Erin can think to say. 

Abby lets out a deep sigh. 

“I didn’t pry too far into the break up. That was intentional. It isn’t my business what happened or didn’t happen. I don’t know what you did to that girl but I think you owe her an apology,” Abby tells her “She’s been through hell beyond what we can imagine and if you hurt her bad enough that she shut down completely, it had to have been pretty bad.”

When they were together, Holtz told Erin some of the things that happened in her life. She didn’t even know everything, but the things she knew of were pretty bad. And she knew what she did to Holtzmann was bad too. 

But Erin just nods. 

She never does apologize. 

_ I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me _

_ 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street _

One afternoon Holtz can’t even work. Her thoughts are too crowded. All she can think about is Erin. One question keeps coming back and she wished it didn’t.

Did she really love her, or was she lying?

She wasn’t even sure she wanted to know what the real answer was. It would hurt either way.

_ Red lights, stop signs _

_ I still see your face in the white cars, front yards _

_ Can't drive past the places we used to go to _

_ 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe _

The crew gets called for a bust and they all suit up quickly and pile into the Ecto-1. Holtzmann in the driver's seat, Patty in the passenger seat, Erin and Abby in the back. Even though Holtz still isn’t what she used to be, busts are still exhilarating. She takes different routes to get to places now though. They’re just as fast, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. She’s working, not trying to think of Erin. 

_ Sidewalks we crossed _

_ I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing _

_ Over all the noise _

_ God, I'm so blue, know we're through _

_ But I still fuckin' love you, babe _

“Here,” She says, pulling up to the building they were called to. They all get out and start unloading their gear. The proton packs are as heavy as ever. And then they pair off. Holtzmann with Patty. Abby with Erin. 

The first bust after the breakup, the partner switch was wordless but she may as well have been getting punched in the face. Patty was a great partner. But she wasn’t Erin. And every time Holtz thinks about it, she’s confronted with the truth. 

She still loves Erin. 

She gets an idea one night while everyone is staying a little later to work. 

She takes a piece of paper and writes out what she really wishes she could say:

_ I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one _

_ And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone _

_ 'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me _

_ 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street _

She walks up to the roof, sits down on the ground, and pulls a lighter out of her pocket along with the note and the song Erin wrote her. She sticks the lighter under the papers and clicks the button. She watches them catch before taking her finger off the button and setting the lighter down. She sets the burning sheets on the cement in front of her. They burn until they disappear into a small pile of ash. 

Holtz sighs and stands up. Her face tear stained and vision blurry, she goes back inside.

  
_ Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me an ungodly amount of time to write. i knew what i wanted to say but not how to say it. i eventually gave up and now we have this. have fun.  
> requests open! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Comment any requests you have! :)


End file.
